Last Summer I wrote this post about driving in the dark.
If you don’t want to click on it the short version is that we’re all driving along and our path is shrouded in the night. If we’re lucky the car’s headlights illuminate the road and we know what’s coming up. But even with high beams we can’t see ten miles ahead or even around the next turn.
Lately I’ve been out driving twice in the dead of night and switched my lights off completely.
I don’t recommend it when you’re cruising at 55 and there’s nothing but the light of the moon and stars in the sky. I don’t know exactly why I reached up that first time to switch off my lights but tonight I did it again. I realized that simple act is very much a reflection of what’s going on in my life .
I don’t know where I’m going. Some things have happened (that I cannot discuss) which put me completely in the dark. I don’t know what to think, how to act, what to plan or how to even just ‘be’ and let everything else work out around me.
It’s like I’m driving along with no lights and I don’t have the power to switch them back on.
Because I’ve been a (somewhat) normal member of society for a few decades now I can fake normal pretty damn well. And I do. For short times. Even when you’re driving with no lights you can stay within the bounds for awhile. Of course when I do it I don’t know that I’m not about to hit a pothole or the ditch, a stray animal or miss a turn. And that’s what this feels like, those precious few seconds when your lights are out and you still have the illusion of control. Of knowing where you are and where you’re headed. But the truth is if you don’t get a light, any light you’ll soon be in the middle of a field. Hitting a tree. Explaining yourself to a tow truck driver.
Tonight I stood outside in the cold in one of my favorite places. It was black as ink and I could just barely see the outline of the trees and some of the stars. I stood there just thinking, as I have a thousand times now, what do I need to do? How can I get back on the metaphorical road and put the shit behind me?
I still don’t have an answer.